I Broke a Nail – The Dream
It is important to remember that dreams are unique and may have a different meaning depending on your life and history.
Have you ever stopped to think about your fingernails? They seem to be just a hard protective coating that protests our fingertips. Culturally fingernails can represent a variety of things: social status, personal hygiene, health and well-being.
In dreams, the symbolism of fingernails can take on even more significance, providing clues about our subconscious thoughts and emotions. Fingernails in dreams often represent our sense of self-worth, confidence, power, and control. Broken fingernail dreams can symbolize vulnerability or feeling emotionally exposed.
Perhaps you are going through a difficult situation in your personal or professional life, and you feel like your emotions are out in the open. It could also represent insecurities. Understanding why you are feeling this way is the key factor in dealing with this dream. Self-reflection is the way to gain insight and understanding of the emotions. Meditation or sitting with your thoughts might lead you to better understanding.
Although it’s easy to dismiss dreams as random processing of events, they can often give you a glimpse into what is important in your life. Issues that need to be understood and processed – issues that need to be honored and healed.
Welcome to My Blog Page
I have separated this page into sections, much like our lives, our growth – it’s not linear. I have dreams that have meaning, and I have revelations about my past and healing through trauma. So, this page will be sectioned off into categories so that you can navigate through it. Take what you want and leave the rest. Happy reading!
Dreams
Through the Looking Glass
The day started out simple enough – I prayed, I lit candles, went to the beach, turned the music volume to window shake level: all things I do when I need to get myself centered, refocused. I had to make a decision that I didn’t want to, even though I know it’s for the best.
My mom has a saying “clean your closet, clean your mind.” The thought process behind this is simple, focus on something else and the answers you are looking for will become clear. It’s a tried-and-true process of working through things, when we move something from the forefront of our brain to the ‘back burner’ we stop confusing our brain, we allow the thought to simmer, the subconscious mind is still processing but we are no longer dwelling.
But what if the closet I’m cleaning is filled with memories? What if I suddenly find myself staring at the relics of relationships past? Our lives were once so enter-twined that every corner of my house contains pieces of him, pieces of us. So, what do I do when I find myself sitting on the floor in a heap of sobbing mess?
Should I shove everything back into the closet and shut the door? Should I save this for another day? Will there ever be a time that this will be easier? When is the time to say goodbye? How much time is the right amount of time?
The next several hours flew by like a movie I’d seen 100 times..
You made this decision, this is what you needed, get a grip on yourself ..oh, I remember the day he brought home these earrings, remembering my favorite stone is aquamarine: I love these earrings, I’ll just put these back for now. Smiling through the tears as I picked up the bag of shells we collected on the beach the morning we watched a dragonfly migration (still one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen). I looked at the shells, held them in my hands, traced their grooves, remembered the laughter and amazement of that day…the perfect day.
How is there still one of his shirts here, and why does it smell like him? I loved the way he smelled: I’ll put this in a bag and bring it to his mom’s. His watch, in the bag it goes, family pictures, in the bag, pictures of us…smiling, the happy times staring at me, maybe this isn’t what I wanted, did I make a mistake? Tears flooded my eyes as memories flooded my heart. I missed him, with every day and every breath.
I took a deep breath, looked around, my past scattered around me: A trash can now filled with thoughts never to be revisited, a bag sealed off so tight that the smell of that forgotten shirt has no way to seep into my new life, pictures of good times, gifts that were given out of guilt and not love, tucked back into the recesses of my closet and my brain. I stood up, breathed in what seemed like the cleanest air I have felt in a long time, I wiped my tear-stained cheeks, took one last look at the past, and silently thanked him for having an important place in my life, for teaching me things that I will always treasure, like how to say goodbye.
It’s not always easy to sit with our hurt, but until we have a much-needed conversation with our past, it will never truly be our past. I’ve been told that you haven’t moved on until you can tell your story without crying.
So, today I sat with my pain, knowing that each tear that fell was a piece of the hurt leaving my heart forever.
My closet looks great, I have room for new things, new memories, a new life free of the heavy, hurt cluttered closet of yesterday, and for that, I am thankful.
We see things differently as we age, as we mature, as we grow, as we gain understanding of our traumas and those of others. But what does that reflection tell us? If you ask me, it can tell us a lot – here is my reflection for today.
I was not a nice person. I was unkind with the feelings of others. I was so protective of my feelings and swimming in old trauma that I didn’t even know I was being insensitive. I didn’t even know I had trauma. I went through much of my life just thinking I was honest, that I was standing up for myself, that I …. I, I guess I really don’t know what I thought – but I didn’t think I was wrong, or mean, I was actually very sensitive – but I wasn’t sensitive to others.
I am fortunate enough to have identified and healed from some of those traumas and I am working on the others. It is often said that we need to ask for forgiveness when we hurt other people and while I agree I also think we need to forgive ourselves first. Here is my story – one example of how trauma affected my life.
We will call this guy Jim, I knew him casually, he worked at a neighboring business, we had limited interaction but saw each other regularly. One night I was walking into the gas station near my local hang out, as was he was walking out. I remember what he was wearing – White jeans, a white jacket, and white shoes. It might sound like he looked like a snowman, but he looked cute. With his buzzed-up courage, he stopped me and asked me if I would go to dinner with him. Me, with my trauma intact and my cocky, I have all the options in the world attitude, I replied – why would I go out with you? Although I don’t remember what he said exactly, but whatever it was, I said yes.
He took me to the most expensive restaurant in our little town. He was so nice, so thoughtful, so giving and so attentive. We dated for several months, but with abandonment trauma in tow I ended the relationship. I told him I just thought I could do better – or something equally as callous (I know, I kind of make myself sick a little bit when I remember who I was). I was presenting myself to the world as someone who knew what she wanted and wouldn’t settle for less, someone who wouldn’t be defined by someone else, someone who didn’t need a partner to feel good and secure – now say that 111546479316 times and you might believe it, like I did. But that is not who I was – I was scared, afraid to be trust, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be seen as weak. But weak is exactly what I was – I protected myself from being discovered by being insensitive, uncaring, unloving.
Jim and I went our separate ways for many years, reconnecting after the birth of my son. I must admit, I wanted him to love me like he had all those years ago, but he didn’t, how could he, why would he? I was hurt that he stood up for himself, hurt that he was not going to fall into a trap that I had carefully laid out. If you loved me once, you will love me again. He didn’t, maybe he never did – but that doesn’t matter to me today – 35 years after the last time we were together. What matters to me now is - as I look through this looking glass, hoping to see my future – I have seen a lot of my past – a past that I am not always proud of, but a past that I know I am healing from.
I had a dream about Jim the other day – turns out the next day was his birthday – I wished him a happy birthday on social media – not going to lie, I secretly whished he was single, he isn’t. I’m glad he’s happy. But I wanted my chance for redemption, I wanted a chance to show him I was different, I wanted forgiveness. As I sat with the feeling of a nonexistent rejection – I laughed at myself and remembered why I was on this journey. Why the universe saw fit to present this old wound – it was time to forgive, myself.
Understanding who I was and how I was processing my trauma offered me a chance to realize that part of forgiving myself means I need to thank him. Thank him for being gracious in the face of my trauma induced bad behavior, thankful that he, being who he was, forced me to look though that looking glass.
When I woke from that dream, I had hope that I was getting glimpse into my future. But instead, I saw a picture in that looking glass that forced me to remember that trauma was lurking in every part of my life and would stay there until the day I dreamed it could be different. This day, this dream, made me remember to offer myself forgiveness, and allow others grace as we all look through that looking glass expecting to see one thing but finding something even better - ourselves.
So, as I thank him for who he was to me, I also forgive myself for who I was to him.
Trama and Healing
Clean Your Closet, Clean Your Mind
Handcuffed to Hope
As the nights get longer, darker, and colder we have once again found ourselves in “cuffing season” – that special time of year between October and March where people seem to be in a rush to couple up. First the science – the longer, darker days cause a decrease in serotonin levels, that drop has a snowball effect on our emotions. We often find ourselves spending less and less time outside, less and less time with our friends, less and less time around people in general – this is the snowball part – we start to crave that interaction, affection, and connection; A hand to hold on those cold nights, someone to cuddle up with while sipping hot chocolate and watching movies.
Then, there are the looming holidays and the thought of hearing Aunt Martha ask us for what seems like the 10th year in a row if we are bringing a friend to thanksgiving dinner this year or are we coming alone again? So sick of sitting at the singles table, or worse, the kids table. As the adult couples enjoy each other’s company, here we are stuck picking mashed potatoes out of our hair and talking about Blue’s Clues. Not this year! we just can’t go through that again; so, we decide to take action – we decide that it’s time to make our move back in to the world of coupledom.
While dating can be a healthier way to deal with depression and loneliness than some of the other ways we cope, such as drinking, drugs or random hook-ups, if we are not careful, we could cuff ourselves to the wrong person. This is not the time to lower our standards – there is never a time to lower our standards – but at this time of the year it is more important to pay attention so you can avoid the potential pitfalls.
The first thing to remember – it is ok to be single – at this time of the year or any other – this can be a great time to work on or start a new hobby, read those books that have been collecting dust, learn a language, work on our career, all the things that our normal, busy lives don’t give us the time to do. But alas, those dips in serotonin levels have started to convince us that we want a person in our life – so, if you think it’s a good time to put yourself back out there and try again, then go for it! Enjoy! But also, be aware of the potential pitfalls and how to avoid them:
Check in with yourself often and ask the following questions:
1 – is this making me feel good, or just making me more stressed and anxious – or even desperate
2 - am I lowering my standards – accepting behaviors that otherwise would never be considered acceptable
3 – is this someone I really want to be with
4 – am I rushing into things – is this just someone to take to family dinner or holiday parties
5 – are you respecting your boundaries (especially regarding intimacy)
6 – does this have long term potential (if not, but it’s still fun and healthy – it’s ok to find beauty in the temporary – as long as you’re being honest with yourself and the other person)
Reflecting on the above, can force an often-needed reality check – slipping into behaviors that aren’t healthy emotionally can be very subtle and go unnoticed until you’re already in to deep.
Remember – if someone is no longer meeting your needs it is ok to end it and move on – never lose yourself in an attempt to find someone else.
Happy Cuffing Season and may you find the cuff mate of your dreams!
THE ONE
Here I sit on the heels of yet another break-up – another good-bye, another lesson – the same lesson really – the lesson I have been working on for what seems like decades. I’m tired of this lesson, tired of what seems like constant failures when it comes to relationships. What am I missing – what is it about this lesson that I struggling with? Why after all the work I have done to heal can I not seem to get through this? Am I blocked? Am I destined to be alone because I just can’t see what I need to? Maybe I don’t even know what the lesson is….
What should I do? How should I start to recognize the part of my karmic contract I am not honoring so that I can finally understand what it is I am supposed to learn? I decided to take the deep dive – into relationships past, all of them – every single person that I cared about or that cared about me – ALL OF THEM – this was a chore, this was an effort, this was painful. But here I go into this abyss of perceived failures…
I went back to my earliest memory of being in serious like with someone, we had fun, there was laughter, there was fear on my part – fear of commitment and, to be honest, fear of settling – making a life ling commitment before I really understood who I was. I was a serial dater, I started and ended relationships on a whim, never considering forever, I played it safe, dated people I knew were temporary, weather it was because of who they were or because of who I was. I knew every time that they were not my person, but I continued along allowing that self-fulling prophecy to become my reality. I continued this from my 20’s to my 30’s and into my 40’s. It was at that time that I decided I was going to settle down, finally make that life changing commitment to someone. What I didn’t do was change the type of person I was dating, I didn’t even know at that time that I was dating wrong – ah, the lesson – it might be showing itself. Maybe the lesson isn’t about them but more about me. Maybe I wasn’t sure of who I was, who I am, enough to choose a person that would be, could be my person… you know, ‘the one’.
Time for another deep dive, this time into who I am and the trauma that lead me here – several things became clear, I was dating beneath my expectations, therefore I was always let down, I was still picking temporary partners – because I was afraid to ever give someone the power to hurt me, I was… still injured – I was still that little abandoned girl who was afraid to ever let someone in, so I didn’t. This lesson isn’t quite what I expected it to be – I was stuck here in this place because this wasn’t a single lesson, rather it was so many lessons that effected so many aspects of my life.
I have picked apart this trauma into smaller more manageable pieces and have worked on them over the last several years, I realized that although I was causing myself pain – it was emotional trauma that was holding me there. Once I acknowledged that I was hurt and that I needed to process, forgive and move through this trauma – I realized one very important thing – ‘the one’ – “THE ONE” that I had been searching for was there all along, I was just looking in the wrong places – in the wrong people – as it turns out – that very important lesson that I have been struggling to learn was that I was the one – I was the one that I needed to value, I was the one that I needed to nurture and heal and put first – I was “the one” that could make me happy and I was the one I needed to make that commitment to.
I am proud to say I have. I committed myself to me, to my emotional health, to my spiritual grown and trauma recovery. I have found ‘the one’ and I don’t plan to ever let her go… progress, not perfection.
You can sell your soul to the devil, but only once!
The day I met James I knew my life would never be the same. He was a force of nature, a love that would transcend space and time. A love that would nearly kill me, a love that I would sell my soul for…
James was the most beautiful man I have ever seen, tall, blonde, blue-green eyes and a smile that would melt even the most frozen of hearts. I tried to resist but I was powerless, I wanted to run, I should of…but if I did, I would have missed out on the most magically tragic experience in my life.
With James, music and poetry were finally understood. The love that I thought only lived in the imagination of writers was now my reality. I would do whatever it took to keep this feeling, and I did. I made a deal with the devil, sold my soul for passion, lust and love. He was my drug, my obsession, my needle in the arm… His energy ran through me as freely as my own blood. His touch made angels sing and time stop.
With every touch our addiction grew stronger, we were bound by love and pain. His hurt was my hurt, his love was my love, his tragedy was my tragedy. This was a love that made heaven and hell collide. Recovery was not something we were interested in, so we relaxed into our fate. Our life of brilliance and destruction, our life of beauty, our life of us against the world. We were love, and we always would be, or so we thought. Just as with any addiction, you either recover or you die…
The day was here, the devil came to collect on our deal… I had to choose, it was James or death. You would think this would be an easy choice...I’d like to say it was… But how, when he is as much of me as I am of him? How do you pull the needle out, how do you stop the shaking, the cravings, the panic, the loss? How do I give up a magic that I know I will never find it again? How do I get up in the morning without just one more hit, how do I sleep at night without just one more touch? Why should I have to? I begged the devil for a new deal…please, don’t take this away, don’t take him away… there was no new deal, this was it… I would die for him, but would I allow him to kill me?
I spent two years in recovery, two long hard, if only I would have done something different, years. The biggest lessons are the ones you have to fight to learn. As my once disintegrating world started to rebuild, I learned a valuable lesson. I can love again, and my fear of never again finding someone’s who’s kiss makes the world seem beautiful, well let's just say…magic is everywhere, if you just believe…