I have always been a fix it girl; I fixed or attempted to fix everything from lawnmowers to people. I jumped in to every challenge with that ‘at least I can try’ attitude. I will admit that this has led me down some interesting paths, I’ve made some situations worse, I have also surprised myself a few times. What I didn’t consider, until now, is why I always felt that I could ‘fix’ it or that I should at least always try – one word trauma. How is this trauma? Let’s dive in.

I learned very early in life that you should at least try, great attitude and great life lessons, so I did just that, I always tried, I tried everything, broke a lot of stuff in the process, but what I didn’t expect, or even realize is that my try attitude was shifting from the physical to the emotional; Everything can be fixed with time, patience, a good attitude and a little hard work. I still believe this to be true; however, what I’ve realized recently is that the hard work can’t just be my hard work. I cannot put all the effort into fixing someone that isn’t willing or ready to be fixed. I can’t love you into being better.

Turns out I was on a mission to fix everything, everyone. If you’re hurt, I can help, if you’re scared, I can comfort you, if you’re emotionally scared, I can love you. My relationships, it turns out, were all about this ‘I can help complex’ that I built over the years, I had something to prove; but to who?

I once, more than once actually, told people that I felt my place in this world was to take the emotionally broken, show them, help them, find their worth and value and then send them back into the world to find their love. I was never going to be someone’s person; I was on a quest to fix and ready others for their new position in the world. A position of strength, emotional security, and love. And I felt good about that, I felt like I was helping people, that I was making an impact on the people I helped. I went into every relationship knowing it was temporary. As I busied myself ‘fixing’ the pains of others, committing myself to their trauma recovery, to their stressors and to their lives, turns out I was avoiding mine.

So, back to how this was me working with my trauma (notice I didn’t say working through it); I was avoiding my life, my pain, my trauma. I always had an escape from my life by diving into someone else’s. I was busy, I was being creative, I was being helpful, I was being the me that I forced myself to be out of fear. I realized that I was preventing myself from my life by fully investing in the life of others. It turns out that the satisfaction I was getting out of helping everyone but myself, was hurting me. I delayed my spiritual and emotional growth

If I can fix you, maybe I can fix myself. I had to learn that this was actually a coping skill, one designed to avoid my own trauma and pain. Once I realized that my tool belt was getting too heavy, filled with all those tools of avoidance, I knew I had to put it down, I had to take off that tool belt and stop trying to fix the people around me. It was a big step, it was a lifetime of gathering tools, I have been emptying that tool belt one tool at a time realizing that the weight of my life seems much more manageable without the self-imposed requirements.

I still enjoy fixing things, but I have replaced those patch kits used to cover the cracks in my life with more permanent repair options, like healing for myself, understanding of pain and realizing that while I was carrying the weight of that tool belt, I was holding myself in a broken place. A place that no one else can fix but me. I have new tools in that belt now and those include hope, faith, belief and love of self.