Handcuffed to Hope
As the nights get longer, darker, and colder we have once again found ourselves in “cuffing season” – that special time of year between October and March where people seem to be in a rush to couple up. First the science – the longer, darker days cause a decrease in serotonin levels, that drop has a snowball effect on our emotions. We often find ourselves spending less and less time outside, less and less time with our friends, less and less time around people in general – this is the snowball part – we start to crave that interaction, affection, and connection; A hand to hold on those cold nights, someone to cuddle up with while sipping hot chocolate and watching movies.
Then, there are the looming holidays and the thought of hearing Aunt Martha ask us for what seems like the 10th year in a row if we are bringing a friend to thanksgiving dinner this year or are we coming alone again? So sick of sitting at the singles table, or worse, the kids table. As the adult couples enjoy each other’s company, here we are stuck picking mashed potatoes out of our hair and talking about Blue’s Clues. Not this year! we just can’t go through that again; so, we decide to take action – we decide that it’s time to make our move back in to the world of coupledom.
While dating can be a healthier way to deal with depression and loneliness than some of the other ways we cope, such as drinking, drugs or random hook-ups, if we are not careful, we could cuff ourselves to the wrong person. This is not the time to lower our standards – there is never a time to lower our standards – but at this time of the year it is more important to pay attention so you can avoid the potential pitfalls.
The first thing to remember – it is ok to be single – at this time of the year or any other – this can be a great time to work on or start a new hobby, read those books that have been collecting dust, learn a language, work on our career, all the things that our normal, busy lives don’t give us the time to do. But alas, those dips in serotonin levels have started to convince us that we want a person in our life – so, if you think it’s a good time to put yourself back out there and try again, then go for it! Enjoy! But also, be aware of the potential pitfalls and how to avoid them:
Check in with yourself often and ask the following questions:
1 – is this making me feel good, or just making me more stressed and anxious – or even desperate
2 - am I lowering my standards – accepting behaviors that otherwise would never be considered acceptable
3 – is this someone I really want to be with
4 – am I rushing into things – is this just someone to take to family dinner or holiday parties
5 – are you respecting your boundaries (especially regarding intimacy)
6 – does this have long term potential (if not, but it’s still fun and healthy – it’s ok to find beauty in the temporary – as long as you’re being honest with yourself and the other person)
Reflecting on the above, can force an often-needed reality check – slipping into behaviors that aren’t healthy emotionally can be very subtle and go unnoticed until you’re already in to deep.
Remember – if someone is no longer meeting your needs it is ok to end it and move on – never lose yourself in an attempt to find someone else.
Happy Cuffing Season and may you find the cuff mate of your dreams!