The thought of unconditional love seems magical; it can feel like the acceptance we have been looking for. What could possibly be wrong with having a partner who accepts all our flaws, all our damaged parts, all our trauma. The short answer is nothing – it can be wonderful to have that ultimate feeling of belonging.  The longer, more complicated, more complex part of unconditional love is that if we ask for it, then we must also be willing to give it. But can we? Should we?

How did the concept of unconditional love get its start?

Christianity teaches that we should love everyone and always offer forgiveness. Christians believe that to share Gods love they need to always offer forgiveness. Turn the other cheek. Psychologists believe that unconditional love is based on the relationship between parent and child. A parent accepts all the responsibility and nurtures the child, creating a bond between them, because of this bond, even under the most difficult of circumstances the parent will offer love, understanding and even empathy. The philosophical perspective on unconditional love can be more difficult to define. Love they state is based on certain behaviors and characteristics, if those things change, does the love change?

The phrase unconditional love was coined in 1934 by a German psychoanalyst named Erich Fromm and was used to describe motherly love. However, over time, and with the influence of romantic movies, the decrease in business type arranged marriages the term unconditional love has leaked its way into mainstream relationships. By accepting that relationships should be unconditional, the till death do us part vow that we so willingly accept, we set ourselves up for failure. We either feel like we failed in our relationship or failed ourselves.

Unfortunately, unconditional love is an illusion. We cannot love unconditionally – it’s not in our nature, it’s not who we are – it’s not possible. We put conditions on everything in our lives. We determine what is acceptable regarding everything in our lives, from the food we eat, the jobs we take, the houses we live in, to the cars we buy. If we put conditions on everything else, why then did we think putting conditions on relationships was unhealthy or bad? Everything should have a condition, or a boundary. Everything.

Knowing what we will and won’t accept, the conditions of a relationship, allows us to feel emotionally empowered.

I want to be clear that this is not an anti-marriage, anti-commitment piece, rather an attempt to liberate us all from the burden of a perceived failure. We cannot ever fight alone, we cannot ever carry the weight and burden of another person alone, we are not and should never be forced to sacrifice our safety and wellbeing in the attempt to hold on to the belief that love is unconditional.

The generations before us are often perplexed by the decisions we make, especially when it comes to relationships. Marriage is forever, you take the good with the bad, you never stop trying, you work on and through it, period! It is a nice dream. I think people go into marriages and relationships thinking that they will stand the test of time, but what if they don’t? Are we stuck in a life of forever sadness? Are we trapped in a life of abuse, just because we promised ‘til death do us part’?

Unconditional love – suffering for the sake of the promise. Living in the unconditional love delusion puts us in a potentially dangerous place, mentally and sometime physically. Feeling like we are trapped in a relationship, the unending desire to keep trying, holding onto the promise with every bit of strength you can muster. Holding on until your hands are raw and bleeding, until your mind is creating scenarios   of changed behavior, holding on to the thought that if I change, they will change. Until the bitter, angry end.

Conditional love – This doesn’t make the relationship less valuable, or less real. It does, however place a higher value on self. It can allow us the freedom to protect ourselves and release us from the guilt that can keep us trapped by promise.  

People change, and the goal in every relationship should be to grow individually and together, we should strive to keep the connection to one another strong and healthy while being true and honest to ourselves. Love, although very conditional, is also the best thing we can ever offer another person, but we must honor ourselves with it first, and that is unconditional.

Breaking that illusion of unconditional love gives us freedom, the freedom to set boundaries and healthy expectations, the freedom to end relationships that keep us trapped. Realizing that we have permission to say, no, this is not how I want to live my life, this is not how I want to be treated, this is not ok. That is power, that is freedom, that is the beginning of a new way of life – your life, the way you want it and with the people that respect your goals and path.

So, when you sign on to a relationship, make sure you know the terms and conditions. Make sure you are investing in someone worth investing in. Make sure that you are loving yourself unconditionally, that’s the only way you know when someone is meeting you in a space where the conditions of the relationship don’t seem like a negotiation but rather a chance at the freedom that can come with love.