I walked into the store for the simple task of getting a loaf of bread. I was new to this store so I asked the first person I saw ‘do you know where I can find the bread?’ The reply was ‘this is a hardware store.’

I tried to buy bread at the hardware store. This might sound like the silliest statement ever, but essentially that’s what I was doing in my dating life.  I was looking for something in a place that it didn’t exist.  We cannot love someone into changing. We cannot love someone into the person we want or need. I was shopping for what I needed in a place that it would never be. I was there, searching for something, not really knowing what I was looking for. Hoping that whatever ‘it’ was would find me.

I needed to figure out what I was looking for before I could look for it. I decided to start there. I made a list: tall, cute, funny, smart. With list in hand, I went back to the store. I found exactly what I wanted this time. Except it came with a bunch of things I didn’t know I didn’t want. I don’t like raisins, or walnuts, but I didn’t notice they were in the loaf of bread until I brought it home, made a sandwich and started to enjoy. I spent time and money on this loaf of bread, even though I don’t really like parts of it, ill just eat around that and I will be fine.

It took a while to get over that loaf of bread. I was disappointed. When I chose this loaf of bread I was excited. I was looking forward to finding the bread I could enjoy for the rest of my life.  I talked myself into eating it because I chose it. I had to deal with those consequences. Eventually though it got stale and I knew it was time to get rid of it. Before long I was ready to go back to the store and try again. But I wanted to be more careful, more selective. How do I get what I want and also not accidently get what I don’t want? Back to the list.

The non-negotiable list. This is a list of the characteristics or behaviors that are deal breakers. Some examples might be: addiction, emotionally unavailable, financially distressed, married, whatever it is that we decide we do not want in our life should be on this list. Creating a contract of sorts with ourselves. List in hand, I am going back to the store.

The bread isle is much smaller now. With so many unhealthy options eliminated I can focus on what is healthy for me.  I can focus on the options that will make me happy, options that will last, that won’t go stale.  There is no use in staring at the cinnamon raisin bread when I know that every time, I have cinnamon I break out in a rash. This list allows me to eliminate the things that aren’t good for me and focus on what won’t leave me sick.