I went back to my earliest memory of being in serious like with someone, we had fun, there was laughter, there was fear on my part – fear of commitment and, to be honest, fear of settling – making a life ling commitment before I really understood who I was. I was a serial dater, I started and ended relationships on a whim, never considering forever, I played it safe, dated people I knew were temporary, weather it was because of who they were or because of who I was. I knew every time that they were not my person, but I continued along allowing that self-fulling prophecy to become my reality. I continued this from my 20’s to my 30’s and into my 40’s. It was at that time that I decided I was going to settle down, finally make that life changing commitment to someone. What I didn’t do was change the type of person I was dating, I didn’t even know at that time that I was dating wrong – ah, the lesson – it might be showing itself. Maybe the lesson isn’t about them but more about me. Maybe I wasn’t sure of who I was, who I am, enough to choose a person that would be, could be my person… you know, ‘the one’. 

Time for another deep dive, this time into who I am and the trauma that lead me here – several things became clear, I was dating beneath my expectations, therefore I was always let down, I was still picking temporary partners – because I was afraid to ever give someone the power to hurt me, I was…  still injured – I was still that little abandoned girl who was afraid to ever let someone in, so I didn’t. This lesson isn’t quite what I expected it to be – I was stuck here in this place because this wasn’t a single lesson, rather it was so many lessons that effected so many aspects of my life.

I have picked apart this trauma into smaller more manageable pieces and have worked on them over the last several years, I realized that although I was causing myself pain – it was emotional trauma that was holding me there.  Once I acknowledged that I was hurt and that I needed to process, forgive and move through this trauma – I realized one very important thing – ‘the one’ – “THE ONE” that I had been searching for was there all along, I was just looking in the wrong places – in the wrong people – as it turns out – that very important lesson that I have been struggling to learn was that I was the one – I was the one that I needed to value, I was the one that I needed to nurture and heal and put first – I was “the one” that could make me happy and I was the one I needed to make that commitment to.

I am proud to say I have. I committed myself to me, to my emotional health, to my spiritual grown and trauma recovery. I have found ‘the one’ and I don’t plan to ever let her go… progress, not perfection.