We see things differently as we age, as we mature, as we grow, as we gain understanding of our traumas and those of others. But what does that reflection tell us? If you ask me, it can tell us a lot – here is my reflection for today.

I was not a nice person. I was unkind with the feelings of others. I was so protective of my feelings and swimming in old trauma that I didn’t even know I was being insensitive. I didn’t even know I had trauma. I went through much of my life just thinking I was honest, that I was standing up for myself, that I …. I, I guess I really don’t know what I thought – but I didn’t think I was wrong, or mean, I was actually very sensitive – but I wasn’t sensitive to others.

I am fortunate enough to have identified and healed from some of those traumas and I am working on the others. It is often said that we need to ask for forgiveness when we hurt other people and while I agree I also think we need to forgive ourselves first. Here is my story – one example of how trauma affected my life.

We will call this guy Jim, I knew him casually, he worked at a neighboring business, we had limited interaction but saw each other regularly. One night I was walking into the gas station near my local hang out, as was he was walking out. I remember what he was wearing – White jeans, a white jacket, and white shoes. It might sound like he looked like a snowman, but he looked cute. With his buzzed-up courage, he stopped me and asked me if I would go to dinner with him. Me, with my trauma intact and my cocky, I have all the options in the world attitude, I replied – why would I go out with you? Although I don’t remember what he said exactly, but whatever it was, I said yes.

He took me to the most expensive restaurant in our little town. He was so nice, so thoughtful, so giving and so attentive. We dated for several months, but with abandonment trauma in tow I ended the relationship. I told him I just thought I could do better – or something equally as callous (I know, I kind of make myself sick a little bit when I remember who I was). I was presenting myself to the world as someone who knew what she wanted and wouldn’t settle for less, someone who wouldn’t be defined by someone else, someone who didn’t need a partner to feel good and secure – now say that 111546479316 times and you might believe it, like I did. But that is not who I was – I was scared, afraid to be trust, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be seen as weak. But weak is exactly what I was – I protected myself from being discovered by being insensitive, uncaring, unloving.

Jim and I went our separate ways for many years, reconnecting after the birth of my son. I must admit, I wanted him to love me like he had all those years ago, but he didn’t, how could he, why would he? I was hurt that he stood up for himself, hurt that he was not going to fall into a trap that I had carefully laid out. If you loved me once, you will love me again. He didn’t, maybe he never did – but that doesn’t matter to me today – 35 years after the last time we were together. What matters to me now is - as I look through this looking glass, hoping to see my future – I have seen a lot of my past – a past that I am not always proud of, but a past that I know I am healing from.

I had a dream about Jim the other day – turns out the next day was his birthday – I wished him a happy birthday on social media – not going to lie, I secretly whished he was single, he isn’t. I’m glad he’s happy. But I wanted my chance for redemption, I wanted a chance to show him I was different, I wanted forgiveness. As I sat with the feeling of a nonexistent rejection – I laughed at myself and remembered why I was on this journey. Why the universe saw fit to present this old wound – it was time to forgive, myself.

Understanding who I was and how I was processing my trauma offered me a chance to realize that part of forgiving myself means I need to thank him. Thank him for being gracious in the face of my trauma induced bad behavior, thankful that he, being who he was, forced me to look though that looking glass.

When I woke from that dream, I had hope that I was getting glimpse into my future. But instead, I saw a picture in that looking glass that forced me to remember that trauma was lurking in every part of my life and would stay there until the day I dreamed it could be different. This day, this dream, made me remember to offer myself forgiveness, and allow others grace as we all look through that looking glass expecting to see one thing but finding something even better - ourselves.

So, as I thank him for who he was to me, I also forgive myself for who I was to him.