You can sell your soul to the devil, but only once!
The day I met James I knew my life would never be the same. He was a force of nature, a love that would transcend space and time. A love that would nearly kill me, a love that I would sell my soul for…
James was the most beautiful man I have ever seen, tall, blonde, blue-green eyes and a smile that would melt even the most frozen of hearts. I tried to resist but I was powerless, I wanted to run, I should of…but if I did, I would have missed out on the most magically tragic experience in my life.
With James, music and poetry were finally understood. The love that I thought only lived in the imagination of writers was now my reality. I would do whatever it took to keep this feeling, and I did. I made a deal with the devil, sold my soul for passion, lust and love. He was my drug, my obsession, my needle in the arm… His energy ran through me as freely as my own blood. His touch made angels sing and time stop.
With every touch our addiction grew stronger, we were bound by love and pain. His hurt was my hurt, his love was my love, his tragedy was my tragedy. This was a love that made heaven and hell collide. Recovery was not something we were interested in, so we relaxed into our fate. Our life of brilliance and destruction, our life of beauty, our life of us against the world. We were love, and we always would be, or so we thought. Just as with any addiction, you either recover or you die…
The day was here, the devil came to collect on our deal… I had to choose, it was James or death. You would think this would be an easy choice...I’d like to say it was… But how, when he is as much of me as I am of him? How do you pull the needle out, how do you stop the shaking, the cravings, the panic, the loss? How do I give up a magic that I know I will never find it again? How do I get up in the morning without just one more hit, how do I sleep at night without just one more touch? Why should I have to? I begged the devil for a new deal…please, don’t take this away, don’t take him away… there was no new deal, this was it… I would die for him, but would I allow him to kill me?
I spent two years in recovery, two long hard, if only I would have done something different, years. The biggest lessons are the ones you have to fight to learn. As my once disintegrating world started to rebuild, I learned a valuable lesson. I can love again, and my fear of never again finding someone’s who’s kiss makes the world seem beautiful, well let's just say…magic is everywhere, if you just believe…